A 2023 survey of 17,000 girls found 42% of them were unhappy with themselves the way they were. One 7th-grade girl went as far as to say, “Girls my age want to be someone else.”
The same report found that confidence only decreases as girls grow up, with only 62% of high schoolers – the ages Roots Renewal Ranch works with – considering themselves confident.
This is a problem, and it has worsened since 2017, indicating our girls need more inspiration and healing than ever. But what role do the adults in their lives play in all of this?
There are a lot of things adults can do to build self-esteem and confidence in teen girls. Let’s talk about it.
The Importance of Self-Esteem and Confidence in the Teenage Years
Teens are under a lot of pressure to succeed academically, to fit in and be “cool”, and to look a certain way. This pressure has only increased as the influence of social media has grown, broadcasting unrealistic beauty standards, artificially perfect lives, and mistakes alike for everyone on the internet to see. It’s so much that 83% of high school-aged girls say they feel like they’re going to explode from the pressure.
That same survey found girls who consider themselves confident feel a lot less of that pressure. They also have fewer mental health concerns like depression, which run so rampant in our teens that U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy called it, “the defining public health crisis of our time.”
Confidence and self-esteem can be life-changing for girls – and in some cases, even life-saving.
How You Can Help: Practices to Boost Self-Esteem and Confidence in Teen Girls
Thankfully, there are a lot of strategies you can implement to help your daughter and other girls in your life build confidence and self-esteem. Here are some of the ones we think are most important.
Be the Example of Confidence for Them to Follow
Parents are the biggest influence on children from the moment they’re born, and that doesn’t end once they get old enough to make their own decisions. Teens look to the important adults in their lives for guidance, even if it’s only subconsciously. Some teens will ask for advice directly, but all of them observe their parents and pick up their habits to some degree.
That means if you work to be confident yourself, or at the very least present confidence, it’ll rub off on your teen. Being an example of confidence doesn’t necessarily mean you feel confident all the time. It’s about cultivating an attitude of encouraging yourself, giving it your best shot, and not giving up if it goes wrong – whether you actually believe you can do something or not. Build yourself up, and don’t tear yourself down, at least not in front of your teen. Treat yourself the way you’d want your daughter to treat herself, and demonstrate that for your entire family to see.
Encourage Them in Their Passions
Teens all have their own interests, and the adolescent years are a time when they start truly discovering what they’re passionate about. Maybe your daughter loves reading, art, or playing an instrument. Ask her about what she’s read lately, what mediums and subject matter she likes best when it comes to art, and if she’s learned any cool new songs on her instrument lately. Teens are just like adults in that they love talking about what they love with people who are genuinely interested, and showing genuine interest in your teen’s passions is one of the best things you can do to help build their confidence.
This is true for teens who have more unconventional interests, or interests you don’t understand, too. It can be even more important for them if their passion is already seen as a little strange. If your teen loves collecting rocks, make sure to ask them how the collection is going sometimes. If they’re super into Greek mythology, listen and ask questions when they start gushing over something they learned recently. You get the idea!
If your teen knows they have your support in what they love to do, they’ll be happier, and more willing to be themselves completely and without shame. That’s one of the best ways to cultivate confidence and self-esteem.
Normalize Failure
For as common as failure is, we sure make it seem like a big deal. Teens often feel that more than anyone. They face the pressure of setting their college and workforce years up to be something spectacular, while still learning to navigate life.
The best thing you can do as a parent is to make failure seem a little less scary. When your teen messes up or doesn’t achieve a goal, meet them with empathy and encouragement instead of scorn. Familiarize them with the fact that no one wins all the time – and that is okay. In fact, failure is very useful! You usually learn a lot more from getting something wrong than getting it right. Make sure your teen knows the value of not succeeding, too.
Celebrate the Process as Much as the Achievements
This strategy goes hand in hand with normalizing failure. If you place a little less weight on achievements, and more on the lessons learned and hard work your teen put in to get there, they’ll be more likely to find something worthwhile in every experience. They’ll also be far less likely to base their worth on what they do and don’t accomplish. If they know you’ll be impressed and proud of them as long as they give it their best shot, failure won’t be as devastating and confidence-shattering.
Develop a Growth Mindset as a Family
A growth mindset is the belief that skills and talents can be built and learned – everyone can grow! Make sure your teen knows you believe in their ability to improve, whether that improvement is to skills, their behavior, or something else. Challenge your entire family to develop more of a growth mindset together. If you catch yourself thinking something about yourself can never change, remind yourself that isn’t true. It’ll rub off on your teen, too, and it’ll give them a valuable sense of power over their lives. They can be confident that they can always grow, even if they’re bad at something at first! That’s reassuring, and it builds self-esteem, too.
Help Them Learn New Skills and Improve in Challenging Areas
Chances are, you’ll notice difficult areas for your teen that they won’t. These can take a toll on teens and their confidence without them consciously realizing it. Whether it’s something literal, like algebra, or something less concrete, like conflict management, you can help them in their journey to grow in challenging subjects. Maybe it means getting a tutor or enlisting the help of a friend who is great at math. You might need to share some examples of conflict you faced and the strategies you used to overcome it. Always remind your teen that they can improve, even at the things they aren’t so great at.
Reassure Them as Needed
As teens navigate the highs and lows of growing up, they’ll make difficult decisions and feel insecure sometimes. If they express doubt over something, reassure them. If they sent a confrontational message to a friend who hurt them, for example, tell them communicating their feelings was the right thing to do, even if it was scary. Sometimes that means reassuring them that they can right their wrongs and recover from bad decisions, too.
When it comes to teens putting themselves down, counter it by reminding them of the qualities you love about them. This is true when they’re talking about their physical appearance, too – but try to emphasize qualities that aren’t physical. If she’s worried about how she looks before going to a birthday party, you can say, “You look great, but even if you didn’t, I bet you’d be the kindest one there, and that’s even more important.” Your teen might think it’s “cringey,” but the positive impact it’ll have on their self-esteem long term is well worth them thinking you’re a little lame sometimes.
Talk About What Confidence Looks Like in Practice
You can take this literally: what does a confident person look like? They probably stand up tall, make eye contact, and smile a lot, right? Your teen can adopt those strategies, even when they aren’t feeling confident. The “fake it ‘til you make it” phrase is true, and they’ll feel more confident by mimicking confident people, until eventually those confident habits come naturally to them, and they feel stronger and capable of anything.
Tools to Cope on the Self-Conscious Days
No one is going to be confident all the time – especially not teenage girls. That’s okay! Part of developing self-esteem and confidence long-term is having self-compassion on bad days. The best thing you can do for your teen on the bad days is to make sure they don’t fall into a spiral of putting themselves down. This can be easier said than done, especially for teens with mental health concerns who are trying to get better. Sometimes, bad days can feel like enormous setbacks and be incredibly disappointing for teens on journeys to build confidence and self-esteem.
Remind them that this bad day, or series of bad days, is just one portion of their lives. They’re still young and still have plenty of time to grow into healthier, more confident versions of themselves. Encourage them to do things they love in these moments, and confide in others when they aren’t feeling well instead of keeping it to themselves. Writing down how they feel can also be helpful. In the future, they can look back on what they wrote and feel proud of themselves for how far they’ve come since that bad day.
Mental Health Help for Teen Girls in the Dallas-Fort Worth Area
Sometimes, low self-esteem and self-confidence can be cause for concern, especially if your teen is experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition. In these cases, it might be best to get your daughter help from a mental health professional. Therapy for teen girls can benefit every teen, and therapists will have more tried-and-tested advice on how to build your daughter’s confidence and self-esteem.
Roots Renewal Ranch is a mental health treatment center for girls ages 13-17. Girls at Roots participate in trauma-informed therapy for conditions like depression, anxiety, PTSD, anger, and more, all while learning responsibility by taking care of our animals. Your daughter is strong, she is loved, and she is enough. Call us at 888-399-0489, and let’s work together to help her believe it.
